


A Date That's Not a Date That Kinda Is

by remarkable1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Condescension, Crack, F/M, Fake Dating, Hilarity, Ignoring your date, Plotting, Pranks, Scheming, Spending spree, Twistyness, Yummy at the end fade to black kinda, gross humor, rudeness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 14:35:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21076490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remarkable1/pseuds/remarkable1
Summary: Stark sends Darcy to a ritzy gala on a fake date with the friend of a friend, who turns out to treat her like a wallflower. Our good lady Darcy exacts her revenge by calling a friend to help her out and is greatly amused by the resulting hilarity. Someone has been scheming behind the schemer's back when Darcy ends up with exactly who she really wants, with a little help from a secret friend.





	A Date That's Not a Date That Kinda Is

Written for September 2019, Facebook group Marvelously Magical Roll-A-Prompt. My prompts were Darcy, Blaise, and Fake Dating.

“So, you’re telling me that if I go out with this Blaise fella, you’ll let me off the hook for wrecking your car?”

Tony shrugged. “It’s a favor. Just make it look good.”

“How good?” Darcy asked, biting her lower lip and scuffing the floor with her heel.

“Whatever. I don’t remember what he’s trying to accomplish. My contact just told me to set up his pal with a hot, or at least, a cute chick that could hold a conversation and dazzle on the dance floor. You fit those criteria. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” Tony winked salaciously at her, and she waved him off.

“Get. The. Fuck. Out. Damn, you know how to charm a girl.”

“I try.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Seriously, though. You’re not mad at me anymore?”

Tony quit fiddling with the damaged car in question, up to his arms in grease. “I can’t say I’m happy, but you’re the best goddamn cook and assistant I’ve had since I promoted Pepper, and don’t think that’s a small thing. I forgive you this time. But you’re never borrowing another one of my sports cars.”

“Damn.”

“Roll with it. Go get’em, tiger.”

Darcy raised one hand in a claw. “Rawr.”

\--

The place certainly looked like it cost ten grand a plate, and she whistled, looking at the prices on the menu for wines. Her date was late, but Darcy didn’t give a shit. This was an elegant place, and Stark had made her look and feel like a million bucks; as an added bonus, Stark was picking up the tab, so naturally, Darcy ordered the most expensive wine on the menu. She grinned, imagining Pepper reaming her a new asshole, but Tony being oblivious with some comeback such as; ‘So what? A party’s a party! Go big or go home!’

Well into her second glass, a very swanky young black fellow was settled in across from her, and the waiter snapped out the young man’s napkin, took his drink order and left.  
Darcy quit fiddling with the salad fork and propped her chin on her hands, both elbows on the table. “So. You must be my mystery date. Hiya, Darcy Lewis, nice to meet you, Mr. uh-??”

She reached across the table, and the guy glanced in her direction, raised a finger, and told her, “One moment please,” and left the table, making a bee-line for a couple of shifty-looking fellas with sticks in their hands next to the restroom entrances.

Darcy’s eyes narrowed. Cute, but rude. What could be more important than entertaining your date? Obviously, everything other than her. Well, fine then, she was going to interrupt his private little chat.

Carrying her wine glass; very, very full wine glass, she sashayed (the best Darcy Lewis was able to sashay, which resembled a drunken donkey on a hit of coke), over to the ladies, timing her entry when someone was coming out, and pretended to trip, fall sideways and flung her drink all down her date’s associate’s pants legs. One gentleman looked like he’d pissed himself.

The troublemaker didn’t even try to hide her giggle. “Oops! So sorry, that old lady ran right into me!” she complained, extending a hand up to get some help up, but only her so-called date bothered to do so, and only after he eyed her up and down with distaste.

When she was righted, he snatched his hand away and wiped it on his suit jacket.

‘Oh, so that’s how it is,’ Darcy thought, inwardly narrowing her eyes. Outwardly she smiled a fake, sickly sweet, saccharine smile. “I still didn’t catch your name. Since, you know, you ditched me at the table?”

The man rolled his eyes and extended his hand. “Blaise. And I know, you’re Darcy. Got it. Say, be a sweetheart and get me a drink, will you? I’ll meet you back at the table.” Then he promptly edged her out of the little circle, and just as Darcy was turning to leave the rude buttholes, she saw a little swish of a stick, and the man’s pants were dry as a bone!

Trying hard not to belay she’s seen anything out of the ordinary, she sniped behind Blaise’s’ back, “Sure thing. I’ll make sure I pick up a couple hookers, some dope, and a hookah on the way back over.”

“Yeah, yeah, great,” Blaise waved, annoyed, clearly not listening to a word she was saying.

Darcy stalked outside where people were smoking and moved about twenty feet further down the walk. Other attendees and security glanced at her but spared her no more than that upon seeing her identifying tag as a guest. If she’d have had a tail, it would have been twitching like mad.

Pulling her cell out of her cleavage, she furiously dialed Tony’s number, and of course, didn’t pick up.

‘Beep,’ came the tone. “Yeah, you’ve reached –“ She hung up. “Fuck a duck. Never answers his goddamn phone.”

Hanging up, she sighed and fidgeted nervously. What the actual fuck was she supposed to do now? Her part of the deal was to keep this dude company, but Tony hadn’t said anything about there being people like Dr. Strange only dressed up in three-piece suits. Figured. That was how Tony rolled.

She slipped the phone back into her cleavage and bummed a fancy smoke off a very tall, oddly dressed gentleman a few paces from her, the man’s face close to his partner’s ear, drawling something naughty by her expression.

Sure enough, when Darcy asked for a light, the dude leaned in and put the tip of his stick – wand? – to her cigarette, gave her a sensual smile, and returned his attention back to his partner.

That curly-haired, trouble-making girl’s mind drifted to all of the pranks she used to pull in high school and college. Her nickname had been Darcy of the Damned. Not only did she play pranks, she got caught almost every time. No, better she didn’t show these assholes her hand. That was what Tony’s credit card was for. With a sick smile, she moved even further away, turning and scrolling for a number, shielding her phone, then holding it really close to her ear, whispering into it when her contact picked up.

When she was done, she clicked it shut and whistled a jaunty tune that turned a few heads and earned her a growled, “Muggles, ugh,” as she passed, the patrons very lucky that Darcy blissfully unaware of the connotation.

Finally, arriving back inside, Darcy snagged what looked to be someone’s abandoned drink, poured it into a clean glass, and brought it over to Blaise. He took it without acknowledging her, and she just gave a tight little smile to his smarmy friends and wandered back to the table.

This had to be the suckiest fake date she’d ever been on. There wasn’t even anything good to dance to! The more aware she became of the atmosphere, the more people she noticed that were just slightly out of place. So, this was some joint magic people convention or some shit? Oooh, Tony was going to pay dearly for dropping her into a vat of weirdo sauce.

Glancing at her watch, she smiled, looking up at the doorway when right on cue, her phone call arrived with the goodies. Making his way to the back of the establishment, her friend gave her a saucy wink and disappeared into the back. Darcy began counting down the minutes, twiddling her thumbs and rubbing her thighs together. She had a serious date with dildo number four this evening. There was no way she was going home with someone who could fry her brain with a stick.

Blaise, the asshole, returned to the table, finally, smarmy friends in tow. One sat right next to her and sidled up so close she felt his hand on her inner thigh, his ugly smile doing nothing at all but make her want to vomit.

“My friend here says you’re a friend of a friend. What do you say, want to come back to my hotel after the shindig for a little fun, my juicy little squib?”

Darcy felt her skin crawl, and lady parts shrivel up from the dry, nasty, nasally voice the man panted at her. “Well, let’s see how the rest of the evening goes, shall we? The auction is just starting.”

Removing his hand with a coy little smile, smarmy number one leaned back, leering and grinning at his friend as if he’d just scored big time. It was difficult not to roll her eyes, but she managed. Blaise had his eyes on the auction table and began bidding in earnest as the charity items were rolled out. The auction was fast and furious, and her head spun when they announced forty some odd million dollars had been raised for the function.

There was a final ‘surprise’ gift catered in from one of the sponsors, and a round of applause as it was brought out. A very expensive and highly sought-after bottle of liquor was passed out en-masse, the crowd exclaiming over the generosity of the anonymous patron. The only caveat was it needed to be sampled on-site, as the drink was well known for being stolen and re-sold, even though everyone at this gala would be too rich to even bother trying it.

Still, they murmured complimentary remarks to one another as bottle after bottle popped open, and many glasses refilled. Soon, the sound of cutlery and dining filled the air, the meals being passed around, and tongues loosening as most of the very potent liquor was drained.

Darcy didn’t quite know what her friend had in store but was extremely amused as a few people started running to the restroom with hands over their asses or mouths. A thunderous fart emitted from smarmy dude number one next to her, and he whispered, “Oh, shit!” and got up and ran. Pretty soon, smarmy asshole number two joined him.

Five hilarious minutes later and a massive stampede of rich, highly panicked patrons were either making way for the door or shouting over one another to get a bathroom stall. Blaise quirked an eyebrow, oblivious to the noise except for the stale smell of greasy farts filling the room.

“Disgusting lot,” he muttered, then nodded to Darcy. “I see you’re not having any of this fine vintage. May I pour you some?” he offered politely. Fuck! That was the first beautiful thing he’d said to her all evening! By the looks of things, she had to decline politely, even more grateful for her instincts when her fake date clapped a hand over his mouth and barfed his dinner onto his plate.

Trying not to roll laughing, Darcy breathed deeply through her nose, desperately canning her hilarity as an announcer hastily pulled out the microphone and said the end of the gala was canceled, thanked everyone for their donations and time, and that additional wait staff would be brought in momentarily to help with what was obviously a catering mix-up, with compensation to follow.

Darcy stumbled from the building and called a driver, waiting until she was in the car before she busted out laughing, unable to stop, nearly hyperventilating all the way back to the tower. Happy just gave her a puzzled smile and dropped her off.

All the way to the penthouse, into the den and onto the couch, she rolled, pulling her phone out of her tits when it buzzed, mirth exploding once more when her friend texted her pictures of the aftermath of her dastardly joke.

A large hand slapped over her mouth from behind and plucked the phone out of her hand, tossing it over somewhere behind them. Darcy tried to bite, but Tony was too quick and jumped back, shaking a finger at the angry woman as she jumped over the couch and tried to swipe at him. “What the fuck? Give me my phone back!”

He picked it up and held it over his head. “Nope. I don’t think so. See, I just got a call from security, and it seems not only was a substantial, but generous donation made to the charity on my behalf, I am now the proud owner of a hideous statue of a unicorn built out of pretzels or some goddamn shit.”

“Oops,” Darcy whispered, reaching into her bra and flicking the credit card back at him, starting to back away, eyes flitting for the elevator. Tony stalked after her, smirking, his eyes snapping.

“Oh yeah. And not only that? Somehow the entire contents of a very top-shelf winery were also donated care of an anonymous donor, aka ME, and to top it off, the meal was spiked with a large number of laxatives. Now, you tell me, Darcy Lewis, why I shouldn’t just hand you your ass instead of the phone? Because you took advantage of my generosity and out-did even a Tony Stark ‘oops’.”

Darcy put both hands on her hips. “You know something? Your friends are total assholes. The guy you set me up with sucked ass. And oh yeah, they were all magic users. Did you know that?”

Tony stood up straight, genuine surprise on his face. “Um, no. That, I did not know.”

Now it was Darcy’s turn to droop. “Crap. I assumed you did it on purpose to humiliate me.”

“Nope. I mean, it does sound kinda funny, but hon? I didn’t know this guy was a jerk, I swear it. And I won’t ever unleash you on my worst enemy. Seriously. Reparations over this evening are going to cost me as much as one of my custom cars.”

“You can afford it,” she replied airily, snatching her phone when he looked behind him.

“Give that back, kiddo! I’m destroying the evidence!” Tony lunged for her, and she danced away gleefully.

“Doesn’t matter! My friend’s got more!”

“You are going to tell me the name of this mysterious friend of yours.”

“Nope, no can do tin man!”

“I hate that fuckin’ nickname, now get over here!”

The little shit was quick, but Tony was faster and faked left, then leapt right, tangling with her on the sofa in a well-timed dive. Darcy’s kicking and biting and scratching gave way to breathless laughter, and Tony Stark was staring right at her well-endowed cleavage right in front of his face.

“See something you like?” she teased, wiggling her boobs a little, and he inhaled, starting to get up quickly, but she wrapped her snaky legs around his ass and held him there. “I don’t think so. This smells like something you would cook up. You sent me to this gala on purpose, didn’t you? You knew I’d fuck it up, and now you’re pretending to be outraged.”

Tony’s eyes got really big, and he hesitated just a moment too long.

“Ha! Gotcha, asshole! I knew it! Now the question is, why did you do it?”

Now it was Tony’s turn to struggle, but she wrenched him down by the collar and planted a wet smooch right on his lips, pushed him back, and winked. “Let’s try that again, shall we?”

Squinting his eyes shut tightly, Tony moaned slightly and shifted his hips against the hot vee of her thighs then capitulated. “Fine. Fine! I have the hots for you and wanted to incite exactly this sort of altercation, so I’d have a good reason to toss you to the floor, bed, wall, wherever, and fuck the living daylights out of you. Are you happy?”

Her soft sigh was his only answer. “Tony Stark, you sweet, sweet man. Why didn’t you just ask me? I’d have fucked you without all the fuss.”

His eyes popped open. “You would have? Really?”

“Damn straight.”

“But you always acted like I was never your type.”

“It’s called hard to get, stupid. Most of the bimbos that walk through your door don’t know the meaning of it. You’re so used to those sluts throwing themselves at you, you forgot the meaning.”

Tony’s erection was now at full mast, and he ground into her a little more, bolder, leaning in to kiss the tip of her nose. “Well, you sure did a number on me. Hook, line, sinker, baby. You’ve landed the big one. Now, what are you going to do with it?”

“Fuck your brains out until neither of us can walk or see straight.”

“I think I’m in love.”

“Shut up and fuck me, playboy.”

“Aye aye, Captain Lewis,” he snarked and buried his face in her tits, motor-boating the hell out of them and rushing a gasping laugh from her. “Seriously, though. I adore you. No more games, sweetheart. Just you and me.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.”

Then he bent much more slowly, his molten eyes melting her heart and took her lips a slow, soul-stealing kiss that curled her toes.

Just over Tony’s shoulder leaning against the end of the couch, Dr. Strange gave Darcy a wink and a salute. She took her hand out of Tony’s hair only long enough to provide the wizard with a thumbs up before he smirked and disappeared in a whirl of smoke.


End file.
